I adore sour candy

A few random thoughts.

Me. There are many parts of me that make me who I am.

First off, I adore harmony. This can be a strength and a weakness. Strength, because I confront my problem straight on, until resolved. I am not afraid to confront someone. Weakness, because I don't like to rock the boat when it seems easier to let it be.

Another part of me, is that I adore anything sour... I love shockers, and cry babies - right now. I avoid certain aisles at the grocery store to avoid the pull to the yummy shockers.

I eat, on average, one lemon a day. I love the round lemons - barely any seeds in a round lemon. I eat lemons like someone would eat an orange. I don't like oranges... Had too many bad ones when I was young.

Also, I eat jalapeños out of the jar. I eat a whole jar within two weeks.

I stay positive majority of the time. If there is a bump in the road, I turn the experience into a lesson for my life. I try to learn one new thing a day.

Control Quote

"Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself." Deborah Reber

Control

A few definitions from www.thefreedictionary.com on Control:

"1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct. See Synonyms at conduct.
2. To adjust to a requirement; regulate: controlled trading on the stock market; controls the flow of water.
3. To hold in restraint; check: struggled to control my temper.
4. To reduce or prevent the spread of: control insects; controlled the fire by dousing it with water."

My Experience With Control:

Who doesn't like to control one's surroundings? I sure do. I love being able to predict the future, I could be prepared...

Over a year ago, my life became out of control. I was spiraling down in to an abyss without a bottom.

In May of 2012, I woke up early; worried (pretty normal), but it was more intense. I was worried about something that was going to happen in two days. I was worried about what was going to happen. I found my journal to write, but I could not find a pen...

I started talking to my self, like a crazy person. I was just repeating myself and could not figure out what it was that was bothering me. Like I was so close to understanding, but just could not grasp the entire thought.

I continued to talk until all of a sudden I stated:

"I can't control what is about to happen."

I gasped at my words.

The weight on my back released.

I began to say out loud what I could control and what I couldn't. The conclusion that I realized was:

I can't control what people say or do.

I can control what I say and do.

I can control my reaction to the behavior of others.

Random Thoughts: Taking a Deep Breath

The other day, I was listening to a report about a study of infants breathing and the connection to their ability to cope with different situations later in life.  Right when I turned on the report, I heard someone say that the researchers had found that babies heart rate slows when the baby took in a deep breath and quickens when babies breath out.

As I was listening to the explanation, I envisioned someone hyperventilating...  The image flashed across my eyes and I thought no wonder some might faint or have a panic attack.

I was envisioning myself.

I took a deep breath.  My body calmed from my deep breaths.  Amazing that something so basic can have such a big effect.

Today and everyday has been stressful.  There are changes at work.  And a lot of the "What Ifs" are being played out by everyone...

I have learned with my recovery that a much better approach is to breath deep and remember that the moment is the moment, like the concept of One Day at a Time.  

My employee stressed two times today, which is not like her.  She stopped breathing for moments when she got to her peak and I look straight at her and told her, breath.  I reminded her it was fixable.  That we have safeguards for this specific reason.  She took a deep breath and her color came back.   And she realized that it would work out just fine.

When I need to remind myself to breath, I remember the moment in the movie, "Ever After" when Drew Barrymore's character states, "Just Breath."  As she is walking into the ball.

A simple reminder for a simple thing to help one calm from a moment of stress: "Just Breath."

A Hobby

Very early on, in my path of recovering from the events from this last year, it was suggested to keep busy or find a hobby.  I thought about this one for a few months. I knew I didn't want to be gone a lot, since our weeks were planned to a tee.  So I asked the question  what can I do inside?

One night I dreamt of being at a craft show, the building was like the inside of the castle of Harry Potter - lots of stairs and landings, which moved.  Every landing had a vendor of different crafts.  When I got to the top I came across a lonely ol' sewing machine.  It was mental and very simple.  I woke from the dream with a very clear answer.  

I was going to learn to sew!

I signed up for a sewing class in a town close to us and re-planned our Thursdays.

There were four classes.  First class - I made a bag!  The other ladies laughed so hard when I completed it, since I was jumping around like a little kid and smiling so proudly!  

I realized at that moment that I hadn't been proud of myself in a very long time.  The last time I was proud of myself was when I gave birth to my little baby, after many hours of back labor and completely natural.  Before the birth, I don't remember the last time I was proud of myself.... It was an amazing feeling!  

After making the bag, I taught myself how to read and use patterns for clothes.  I made pj pants for me and my family for Christmas. I made a flowy cardigan with fabric I bought for $10! And it was stripes!

I found my hobby to keep me busy.  Something I love to do.  I have pride in my work.  Plus the action of sewing helps me to stop think about everything else.

And gives me a break to allow my mind to heal.

Health Nut: Top 10 Reasons to Drink Water

Over the last year my body physically deteriorated due to my stress.  I got sick one week after another.  I ended up with sinus infections almost every time I got sick.  

My ears were the first things to go.  They hurt.  They popped.  It felt like I had fluid in my ears at all times.  Finally I went to the doctor during the summer.

He told me that he could tell that my ears were swollen. And then he told me to drink more water...

I looked at him curiously and said, "Huh?  I can clear the swelling in my ears by drinking more water?  That doesn't make any sense?" 

Little did I know that if I drank more water, the water would "flush" the extra water in my ears out. 

Wow water is powerful! 

I went home and researched a little on the importance of water and I came across this list and thought I might share my new insight on water from  All About Water:

10 Reasons to Drink Water

1. Water is absolutely essential to the human body’s survival. A person can live for about a month without food, but only about a week without water.
2. Water helps to maintain healthy body weight by increasing metabolism and regulating appetite.
3. Water leads to increased energy levels. The most common cause of daytime fatigue is actually mild dehydration.
4. Drinking adequate amounts of water can decrease the risk of certain types of cancers, including colon cancer, bladder cancer, and breast cancer.
5. For a majority of sufferers, drinking water can significantly reduce joint and/or back pain.
6. Water leads to overall greater health by flushing out wastes and bacteria that can cause disease.
7. Water can prevent and alleviate headaches.
8. Water naturally moisturizes skin and ensures proper cellular formation underneath layers of skin to give it a healthy, glowing appearance.
9. Water aids in the digestion process and prevents constipation.
10. Water is the primary mode of transportation for all nutrients in the body and is essential for proper circulation.

My Plan

When I started my new journey in April, my focus has been about me.  All about me.

Selfish, yes and much needed.  

Slowly my mind started to heal.  My body began to wake back up and work again.  

As I healed physically and mentally, I began to realize the extra boost of healing I would get when I would help someone.  It has become apart of my recovery. 

The next person I help, is apart of my new path.  

The idea of this blog has come to me over a span of a few months.  I knew I wanted to write what I was learning to help others.   I created the blog and sat on it.  Didn't write a single word....

First off, I am a math person.  Writing has never come easy for me.  Formulating words into a graceful sentence, which makes sense, has always been difficult.  My spelling... well lets just say, I still own a number of dictionaries - one for work, a few for home (gotta have one in every room - right?), one for my car and lastly I have a pocket dictionary for my purse.

Second, I was trying to figure out how I was going to take my experience, while not mentioning the individuals whom are apart of my story, to be utilized to help others.  

Finally, on New Years Day it came to me...  Words, health, reflection, clutter, and something that makes me laugh.  

So this is the plan:

I am going to (try to) write every day.  Everyday will be a different topic:

Sunday:        Words
Monday:       Something funny
Tuesday:       Living on Need Not Want, Clutter Diet, Finances
Wednesday:  Random Thoughts
Thursday:     Health Nut
Friday:         Things I love
Saturday:     Reflection

These are my own ideas and reflections.  I will use ideas, quotes and references as needed.  My words are my opinion. 

My random thought for the first day of "Random Thought Wednesdays:" 

To nurture myself again, I feel I must help another. 

My Goal

Over one year ago my life changed.

My life turned dark.

Over one year ago, I had looked at my life and thought I had it all:

A great family; husband, a small child, long time friends, and a somewhat close family.  My days were of a full schedule.  Our goals were getting closer with each day; from going on the next trip to Costa Rica to retiring early.

October arrived like a dark cloud full of thunder and lightening.  It began to pour.  Over the next months I drove myself deeper and deeper into my abyss I was making for myself.

In April (my breakdown) was the first moment I had true clarity of what had just happened (and what had been happening for years, I just didn't know it at the time...)

From mid April to May I was in a numb zone.  I was taking it all in - The Truth.

At the end of May, I began a path of recovery from my lifetime of chaos. I came to realize that my life was unmanageable.

Little did I know that I was beginning a path which would take me beyond my wildest dreams.

There are times when I jokingly say... "If only I knew this stuff when I was younger" or "Everyone should be learning this stuff!"

The thing is - I was suppose to learn it now.  I was suppose to go through what I just went through to know.

Would I have listened?  Most likely not.  Would I have really followed it? Nope.

Everything happens for a reason...

I hit the bottom of my abyss with a thud.

I was suppose to get to my point of "rock bottom".

If I hadn't, I would not have known what "rock bottom" looked like.  

Where do you all come in?

My goal is to help at least one person 

in this chaotic world we live in.

Finding Hope in the Darkness

April 2012.  

I was wordless and crying.

I prayed for relief and guidance.

My tears flowed.

I drove to work and couldn't stop crying.

My work told me to go home.

I called my doctor.

They got me in to see her.

A new nurse guided me to the room.

 

My movements were slow, my body was waning.

I sat down in a chair and she asked me what was wrong.

My words were slow and calculated, wondered if I could say it out loud.

It was the first time I told anyone what had just happened over the last 6 months.

My prayers were answered - relief.

She told me that she had experienced a similar issue 7 months a go.

My tears ran down my face.

I was not alone.

My doctor came in and my prayers were answered again - guidance.

She told me that she had a similar experience and that she has worked with many individuals in the same situation.

She gave me the words I had struggled to find for months.

My mind and tears calmed.  

She told me that my life will be like nothing I could every imagine, with the much work that was ahead of me.

I found hope.  

Hope

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